He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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