Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
