On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
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