I will die if light touches me.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
