i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
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I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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