you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
