My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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