turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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