I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
