We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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