Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He did a backflip because drugs
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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