i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
