Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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