I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
