She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
