I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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