We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
