I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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