he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
