My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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