this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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