Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
