Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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