So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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