A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
