We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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