don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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