i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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