My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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