I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
