forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
