I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
