Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
