thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
