you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
