He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
