At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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