so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
