I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
