I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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