Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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