I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
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