AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
