Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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