I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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