after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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