I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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