Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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