The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
