o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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