Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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