Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
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You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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