i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
false alarm. still invincible.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
