stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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