where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I smell stomach acid.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
